Just Get Wrose
Sunday, Jul. 18, 2004, 8:34 P.M.

"Can I tell you a secret?" "Of Course You can." "Sometimes I feel as though the world around me is passing me by while I stand here looking dumb. Down at my toes thinking man I did a poor job painting my toes today." "Oh......I dunno what to say." "Its like I look at a picture of my self and for the most part I don't even recognize my self. I see the smile, which is real and which is not? Which is happy and which is not? I look at my pictures and everyone is different because every part of me is different. I dunno I must be going crazy." "No Your not, your just a confused teenager." "No, I really think its deeper then that." "No Naomi your wrong." "Your not a friend your just a therapist what do you know." "I know allot." "Not about me." "Would you like to tell me a bit about your self." "I just did. The deepest emotional thing I keep to my heart and you laughed at me. Iam out of here." "Naomi clam down." "Thank you for your time." "This is not a very mature way to deal." "Mature! Mature! Would you like to talk about maturity? Try running a business at 10 to 16, try moving all over the planet, trying losing your Mom, try working three jobs, running a household and try paying the bill all at 16. Now you tell me about Maturity." "Naomi would you like to cry?" "No, I would not like to cry. I don't like crying it spreads my mascara." "That is the lest of your problems." "Problems...now don't even get me started on problems." "No, Naomi I would like to get started on problems." "Okay, my first problem is you say No and Naomi allot." "Okay, would you like me to say something else?" "I just don't thin negativity is the way you need to express your self towards me." "Oh really? I didn't realize I was using negativity." "Do you you use negativity allot, like no and a persons name in the same sentence?" "Why yes I do." "Then you are shooting off negative vibes towards that person. You really should watch that. It could cause allot of conflict." "Naomi, your very intellectual. Have you always been this way?" "Cora" "Pardon me I don't understand." *Looks up, slightly slowly, not smiley not anything just looking into the void.* "Cora said Iam intellectual and I just haven't let it go yet." "Naomi, has anyone told you that you are very smart?" "Well, kinda yeah." "Naomi, has anyone told you how pretty you are?" "I know Iam beautiful I don't need people to tell me." "Naomi that is not what I asked you." "There you go being all negative again." "Naomi. You can not switch this again. You may have raised my emotions once but never again. Iam here to help you." "Did you ever think that helping other people is what you do because it makes you feel good, so really your helping your self." "Noami. Your 16. Lets talk about that again." "Oh look the hr is over. I really must be going. Pleasure, see you next week." "Naomi, I don't think we are done here." "Neither do I." Old Entry>>>> So during my morning of pondering thinking exploring. I talked to a girl today. Her name will remain un said....cause I am nice. So any way as I speak to this girl. I notice something different about her. It wasn't;t that she looked funny. Or that she had deep un explainable problems. Or that she might be abused. No instead she was happy with her self. She was grading this year. And she was happy about it. She was happy that she got accepted into Devry Collage/University (I dunno what) She was so happy that she got that letter in the mail yesterday. And I was happy for her. She was able to be happy with something so simple. I would never consider going there for reason. For selfish reasons. And yet this girl was thrilled. She was happy about making 40, 000 a year. She was happy to be getting this far in life. She appreciated it. It made me realize there is more to life then the 75, 000 a year. The 10 years more of schooling. The The The The....the material things. I don;t need em. If this girl was happy with 2 years of schooling 40, 000 a year. Why can;t I? Why do I need more? Why do I desire more? Why? Why? Why? I know why...my parents brought me up that way. Not to make to much money no the media has done that. But to work and do what I love. Therefor I made my self believe that I want to work 80 hrs a week, being mean, being the person every one hates. To do thoes things. Well you inspired me! You made me rethink it all. Because now maybe I will be happy with 40 000 a year, and 2 years of schooling, and only working 40 hrs a week...... Got me thinking. "My parents brought me up that way. Not to make to much money no the media has done that. But to work and do what I love. Therefor I made my self believe that I want to work 80 hrs a week, being mean, being the person every one hates. To do thoes things." Is that what I really want? To run away and run to work for all of my answers? To work 80 hrs a week and never leave the office? To be mean and hated? I mean I know I all ready am that person. But do I want it for ever? To be hated by 300 people? Well in any case this is a very confusing time. Can I cry? Can I write about my self? Can I let an emotion over power my body and take over and write everything Iam thinking? No never. Iam better then that. As I suck back the tears, the emotions all that bears threw me everyday, I start to think about other peoples lives and then I think why am I upset? Mine is so easy compared. Compared to the thousands of starving people, the millions that get beating, reaped and torshered. My life is nothing. My life is not wroth wasting your time on. Can I speak of someone else's? No I promised I wouldn't. So instead you a re struck reading my days conversations. Something not deep and so not interesting. As she takes a minute, a minute to find her self, and gather her emotions. As she stands still to find her self before taking the big leap into the unknown she thinks what is the wrost that is going to happen? Thats right get your self together and just go in there........I went. I got rejected. Again another failure in my life. What is that now, business, family, love, loans, and now school. What am I? I have lost everything I ever had.