Open My Wounds
Saturday, Jun. 26, 2004, 12:28 P.M.

Today I was reading older entries I had. And for what ever reason I really enjoy doing that. Mainly because for the most part I don't recognize the person that wrote was is there, also because I just want to remember the emotions I was going threw when I wrote it. And for the most part when I thought I was going threw some emotional trauma and I look back on it now it was nothing. Nothing at all, nothing important nothing great, just the usually bull shit. But in any case I read this really great entry. The one called Death...What I would do. And you know what...I am here to reinforce that. To say it again. What I would do if I knew I only had 24 hrs to live and how I spend them. No I feel that this entry fits quite well with how Iam doing and the life around me. And if you cared at all you would understand. If you called you would know. Or if you made the time to talk to me you would want to read on. Now I understand one of the people out there can't talk to me well screw you. Because I know Iam totally loopy right now and very unbalanced but come on....I want to know you care. 24 HR TO LIVE---> If I was hit by a buss today how would I like to spend my last 24 hrs of breath. Now I realize I would have to spend it in the hospital and I would. I wouldn't want to fight to not, spend my last waking hrs there, I would not even be like why? I would just roll with the idea. Now for the most part I would want my family and friends to know that Iam in the hospital dieing away. Then maybe this way I would get a nice boquae of flowers, and a soft teddy bear. But that almost seems even more selfish then asking the Dr. and nurses to not contact any one. To just let me lie here and die. One great part of me wants to do that of course. Call them all so that they would come in and tell me they love me and they will miss me. Its like thoes stupid best friend gonna die forwards you get of what you could have said to them. And yet for some reason I am over powered to not let any one know. Instead I would rather sit in my room and reflect on my life. The things I did, what I didn't do, How I reacted to something. I know for the most part that would bring you down more. But still that is what I would desire. I mean it would probably bring down even more when I find out the one person I want to see the most and tell the totally truth can't talk to me or even see me. That would make me cry. But as I sit in my room by my self I would write every one I love and cherish a letter. A little something that says how they effected my life. How Iam thankful for them....Here is an example who it goes to I will keep to my self. Dear Friend.... You helped me get threw times I will cherish for ever. I don't know you any more as we both have changed so much. Between all the crazy life changes, school friends and styles. And yet for some reason you stick out in my mind as someone important. Someone great. I have always envied you, always been in marvel how you deal with things and how you always managed to be two feet in front of me. How you were able to mock me without saying any thing and able to hurt me without being near. Everyone in a while we get a polite hello in or how are you doing. And at death of a friend we were able to talk for more then a minute. I have not forgotten the good times, and the weired times and all the times we watched Grease. But what sticks out in my mind the most is the last day we got together. I phoned, I came over after school, your grandparents left I was there. And thats it we never spoke again. So my last question for you is, what did I do wrong? Did I do something wrong? Or are we just that different that we can't talk? Well in any case you helped me grow, you helped me find something I never knew I had. Thank-You To some extent that is what they would all look like. Something simple and upfront. Something that person would understand. I have 24 hrs and that letter took me 5 mins to write how many would I have to do. Would some of them be longer then others. Go into a deeper depth. Would the people I care the most about have a long letter or shorter. Would it be something as simple as "I love you. Iam sorry. Please Forgive me." Or would it be something deeper like remember good times. Well in any case I know I would write the people I love a letter. And yet it would be rather difficult how do you determine who gets a letter and who does not? How do you know your second cousin wants one? What if you write a letter to that women you in your Kingdom hall that you don't really know but you didn't write the person you hang out with every weekend. Its funny how the mind works. As I sit here thinking quickly thinking who I would write to, I get the weirdest people in my mind frame. One other thing I would be sure to do before I died, I would start my eulogies. Naomi Louise McLeod..... A sinner, a lier and girl who never knew. She constantly lived in the past. Not knowing the difference between happiness and something not. She spent her entire life trying to live up to something that was never really there....her own standards. Ones that were way to high for any one to try and archive. All she wanted to was to be seen as a great person standing out for her own reasons. She never wanted to fall into the mold that she so easily feel into. Naomi was a happy girl. Always laughing and smiling. Trying to remember when she wasn't smiling seems almost impossible. She wanted to befriend everyone, and yet she had her close clique. Her best friend was much like her out going and crazy. Naomi was full energy and wonderful ideas. She was a leader and follower at the same time. She knew the time and place to do all of that. Naomi loved worked, she loved making money and she love Jehovah. She loved her friends family and the poor women walking down the street. Naomi loved her wild imagination. That continued to leave people in awe. For the most part all her dreams were thought of there, her greatest achievements, her greatest thoughts. Noami loved letting everyone into her world. And yet she felt when she let someone in to much she would not like them touching her. Its a shield that continues to amaze us all. Naomi was a girl that no one understands weather you wanted to or not. Mainly because she did not understand her self. Life Is As You Make It. Naomi Louise McLeod...16 year old died of a tragic death, that no one knew about. The Happiest Person Alive. There that is what I would write or something close to it. A bunch of started idea and then un finished. Left for the own personal mind to fill in. For the own personal person to fill in the blanks with the times they shared with me. And well that is a lot like me to do that. Iam very like that. As for the finishing quote that is my favorite one. Because it can have a double meaning much like I do. Where you can have this great life in your own mind, when in real fact your life sucks and you will never be able to do any of the things you want to. WOW that is a really long blog. But for some reason I have so much to say. Maybe because I have so much time to say it. Or maybe its just a build up of things I want to say. Well in any case that is what I would do if I had 24 hrs to live. 24 HRS TO LIVE---^ Now I feel like I have to say everything in this one blog. Mainly because I have a feeling I will never write in it again. Maybe because I will die today, or maybe because I know no one reads this and Iam just wasting my time. But at the same time I can write in here and its like talking to someone. Iam talking to my self. Well in any case. I have allot to say and I don't care how big this blog gets Iam going to say it and say it all. Iam going to open my wounds and let them bleed. Now I don't know about you but when I put on my make up every morning, it seems as though there is something more to it then just putting it on. It has to have the right back ground on it. I have to have the right music playing. Cause well what happens first thing in the morning usually effects my whole day. So I have made a list of my favorite music for my make-up mornings. Yes its pop but hey it's what makes me put on brown in stead of black.... Make-Up Morning..... Hey Yeah---OutKast Suga Suga---Baby Bash My World---Avril lavigne Girls Just Want To have Fun---Cydy Loper(no clue on how to spell her name) American Physco---Treble Charger Kiss Me---Unknown Ironic-Alanis Morisset Fast Car---Tracy Champmon Love Melody---From Moulon Rouge Why Can't I?---Liz Phair Hey Juliet---LMNT Nobodys Fool---Avril Lavigne Time---Unkown Swing Swing---All American Rejects I Love Rock and Roll---Jones Jet...Jet Jones? Dirrty---Christina All I Have---You know that one with J-Lo and Ja Rule Don't Tell Me---Avril Lavigne Hot In Here---Nelly Crazy In Love---Beyonce and Jay-Z Your Bodys a Wonderland---*Sigh* *Dies* John Mayer Its In His Kiss---Unknown Work It---Missy Eliot Iam Like A Bird---Nelly Furtodo There! I love that mix. Now if you even consider making fun of me for some of the songs on there, shove it! I love it. I listen to that and who can't have a great day! For starters I know all the words to all the songs...now that just makes any one happy! I feel the pain swell up inside of me. I feel the lies tug at my tongue. I feel the deepest emotions all build up. The only way of getting rid of it is by telling the truth the bitter truth get it all out. Get out of this what ever it is. To be forgotten, to be dis balanced. Well the truth is I don't know what is the truth I don't know how to deal with the truth. Maybe I have told my self so many things that I forgotten which is real? Okay, now I sound crazy. A wise person once said to a wiser person..."Don't Be Your Self, You Will Never Achieve The Things You Wish To. Instead Be Something You Are Not, And Go Places I Would Never Imagine." What the hell do you do when you read a quote like that?What do you think? Don't you think about how your entire life you were told to be you self and everyone will love you. You think back on your life and think what would have happened if I had just molded to what the people around would have wanted. Would I be farther in life or would I be behind, or worse yet the same place I am now. You think of the great people in this world, or at least the people that are thought of to be great. Such as who ever your role model maybe. You think are they really them selves or are they just what the media wants them to be? Well I think they are just want the media wants them to be. You look at the worlds pops hip hop rap alternative singers and they don't really seem to have a personality, they are just all smiles and fake Thank-Yous. Can I be that? Would it take me as far was they went or are going? I think not. I was told the other day that Iam a very stubborn person and I was the last person in the world to be thought to go into something I didn't want to be in. Well cause What I did do what I wanted to and because of it Iam like that forever. Iam bruised and I can't heal. I want to take the time to think of some of the things I have done. Or that I want to do make a nice little list. But the funny thing is I would not know what to write down on my list. Where to start and where to finish. I would not know if I wanted to start with work or fun? The List Of Adventure---> I want to learn how to have fun I want to discover the difference between reality and pretend I want to learn about my self I want to know what I am going to do after high school I want to find a grad date I want to get out of what Iam in I want to appreciate life I want to find more work I want to learn how to calm down I want to shed my old skin and finally grow up not just think about it. I want to look older then 12 I want to die. The List Of Adventure---^ "Hey Nome... Nome? Where are you?" "Iam Right here." "Woo, I didn't' even see you. You Finally turned into invisible girl. Ha Ha Ha. A little to late though." *fake laugh*"Yeah Dad, Its a shame." God something like that has got to make you think....it makes me think....maybe Iam just crazy.... "Hello, Is Naomi there please." "This is her, How can I help you?" "Hi, Noami. This a good friend of a friend that heard you were going threw a rough time, and I just thought I would call and let you know that everything will be fine and it will all work out. Just have faith. Ask Jehovah for help, pray. Rely on your friends and go have some fun. Stop pretending." "Who are you?" "I really must be going, just remember what I said. Bye" "Thanks" Okay, you know you have nothing else to say when you start relaying conversations you have had. I just feel like I have so much more to say. So much more to do. So much more....I just feel in complete. And the dumb thing is no one even read this! I am just writing to my self. Is cause I have a lack of friends, or just a lack of friends that care? Ill leave you with that. Have you ever just wanted to sit down and cry? I know I have. I know I have this over powering influence that I have to fight every single day. Its not like I have any good reason to cry, or any really reason at all to just cry. But I do. I just want to sit down and cry. Maybe because of stress maybe because of heart brake. But at the same time all those reasons are lame. I look at my self and Iam having an emotional brake down, and I think why? I look at my self and I should be fine. There is nothing wrong with me. My stress is minimal compared to any one around me. My Father has so much stress he could die and here I am worried. God Iam selfish. I can't believe Iam taking the time to care about my self. All he wanted from me was to come down to the shop to ease his stress to help him out, and I can't because Iam to busy having fun and a emotional brake down. God I need to get my self together. I have it to easy compared to the people around me. I feel as though I have miss lead my self. Why am I so selfish?!? Now I feel Like Shit........