Why
Tuesday, Jun. 22, 2004, 9:49 A.M.

Sometimes I just want to cry, and other times I just want to sit by my self and think, and then there is the odd time that I want to hang out with a crowd of people and when it ends its like the end of the world. The times I want to cry are the times I am with people I trust, I would never cry by my self. I'll be just sitting there and it takes every thing I have to hold back my tears, my desire to just brake out and shout! "Iam under stress, someone understand! Someone care, Someone notice! Iam here stop pretending Iam not." Then the times I want to be on my own and think are the times Iam on the computer, I sit here read deeper things that someone else has posted and talk to people, call me crazy I know. Then the times I am with people just chilling with friends, I don't want it to end. I honestly would do everything in my power to keep it going. Call me an Emotional wreck, call me female, call me what ever you want. But this entry for today is going to tell you what I would call my self. How I look at my self, how I see the little things in my self and how I deal with it all. Someone once said to me I can open up on here or at least it seems that. But for the most part I just opened up someone else. Today is the day I open my self. I wake up in the morning and all I can think about is coffee, and how my father is going to make me eat again. All I can think about is how I am going to have to wake up and live threw another day. I am gonna have to go to work, try to portray the person I am paid to be, or is it me trying to portray someone and I pay my self? After having my wonderful cup of coffee well lets be honest here 3 to 4, and my Father has forced some form of breakfast down my thought; French toast and some form of meat or an egg and toast and some form of meat. But then I come on-line check my E-mail and see something different everyday, I put on some bubble music and my day is gonna be great! I go stand in front of the mirror close my eyes and dream of being the big important business women I desire to be, the perfect HR. Then I open my eyes I feel perfect and think to my self I am the happiest person in the world, I never frown I have no problems and everyone loves me. Ha Ha Ha can you believe this I lie to myself every frigin morning. What a way to start my day. The rest of my everyday life is a blur its so self explanatory. Now I said I was gonna tell you what I am, and how I see my self. Well I am not very good at explaining my self, but I am great at explaining someone else. She woke up this morning and looked down at her arm to see no cutts and no scars, no open wounds. She looked down to find something more, and instead found her arm in perfect condition. She looked down at her legs now they they were a different story, bruised from foot to thigh. Whats wrong with me? As she slowly realizes what is happening she looks over the rest of her body and notices the busies every where. They are not self inflected they are not ever from someone else. They are just there. Then her Father walks in to inform her that breakfast is ready and coffee is made. She yells she isn't hungry, and doesn't feel good, but really needs a coffee. She feels the pit in her stomach get bigger deeper and more painful. She stumbles out of he room to see a plate full of food, that she can't eat, but there is a lushes coffee waiting....*sigh* As her Dad sits there and interrogated her, "whats wrong? Is your headache gone? You look like your under stress? is everything okay? What are you gonna do today? Call someone get together with them, Naomi I think you need to have some fun. Oh, hey I need you to come down to the shop today, I have some stuff for you to do, is that okay?" "Sure Dad its fine, Ill go get ready." "But you hasn't eaten your breakfast." "Iam not hungry Ill just take the coffee..." While she walks away she is thinking of course I am under stress and I don't even know why. No, I am not okay, I am terrified that I am gonna have an emotional brake down. Why can't you see my scream for help? She goes to work like any other day, looks at broken paper work, a empty till, and a Father who can't stay focused for the life of him. She sits in a chair thinks what am I doing here. I don't understand. God I need coffee. "Hey, Naomi, you still feel sick?" "Yes Dad." "Nome, I think you should go to the dr. Whats wrong again?" "No, Dad, its nothing. Its just a headache and some chest pains." "Whats this all over you legs are those bruises? Naomi, you have had that headache for going on 4 weeks now. And those chest pains aren't right, either. Call Dr. K" "No, Dad I am fine. Just leave me alone, I don't need a stupid Dr. To tell me Iam under stress and your body can't deal with it any more. Act your age go to the beach hang out with friends, think about boys not a business falling apt." "I am going home, I don't feel good, I am gonna call Celine, have fun Dad." "Hey, Nome, When was the last time you Ate?" "I dunno Dad I don't have time and I don't keep track of such things." As I walk home, I think about all of the things I want to do in life. You know what I want to do after I grad, how I am gonna Grad, how Daniel and I doing. How I am going to deal with everything when I get home. How I just want to go to bed and wake up feeling better. Is that even possible? But instead when I get home I go on line, sit and think of all the things I could be doing if I was someone else. To bad I am not....Iam tired of all this dreaming. Finding my self, and explaining my self was not what I wanted, but I got carried away. What I am trying to say is I am an Emotional phys co that doesn't know the difference between reality and fake any more, I don't know what is going on around me, and I have no idea of how to progress. All I think about is when I am gonna get my next employment phone call. All I can think about is how I wish I could just die, let it all end, make everything happen all at once. I can't end it, no one can. I can't remember the last time I had dinner with my family. For my entire life it has been tradition almost. Everyone sits down has dinner together and talks. We talk about are days. But now its all gone. I usually have all ready had my daily evening dose of coffee and don't desire to eat any more. You know how people that want to kill them selves really don't have that bad of a life, they just think they do. Like they blow everything out of the water, make it bigger then what it is. And they feel that cutting them selves gives them a get away. Well I am begging to believe that work is my shell. When life sucks I can run to work, forget my problems, if I even have any. And just concentrate. Although the other night at work, I cracked I broke, I bleed. I clasped to the floor screaming, I couldn't breath and my heart was beating so fast I could feel the blood rushing threw my veins...I could feel the boom of it against my chest,it hurt so much, just to move, I was crying and all I could do was scream for help. No one heard me...it was busy and Iam lying at the bottom of the stairs. I couldn't move.....my hole body ached....I couldn't move my arm... I couldn't breath and every time I moved my muscles became tighter....after lying there for what seemed like forever, Bill found me asked what I was doing on the floor and I said I feel down the stairs sorry bill Iam was being careless. "Are you okay?" "Yes Iam fine." As I pull my self together as quickly as I can, My arm can't move and I hurt so much. He says to me, "Noami, I have noticed your not smiley lately, are you okay?" The first time I can't believe Bill asked more then where are those waters or clear that table. I just smiled and said "I am perfect Bill remember I am the happiest person in the world that is why I have the job I have." And I climb back up the stairs, I feel my eyes swell up again, I tell my self to get a grip,and pull em back. "Naomi." *sigh* I slowly turn around.... "Why did you come down here?" *Oh, I forgot, I came to change the pop bag....." As the night came to close I had an awful time trying to see. When I feel I think I hit my head or something the hole night I only saw spots...it was so hard to clean a table. I was there wiping and wiping but the spot wouldn't go away. LoL...kinda funny. I asked Dawn if I could clean bathrooms instead of vacuuming cause it takes less time....Well I got bitch slapped and she said no I am doing both..... "*sigh* but Dawn your supposed to do one..." "No Naomi Its fathers day I want to go home..." "*sigh* of course Dawn your in charge...." Story of my life, everyone is in charge, when all I want it to be my own boss, to be in charge not have to do the crap jobs and only get 10 dollars tip for it. Christina and Yota say "Naomi take some dinner its free have something to eat, you look pale sit down." "No, No, Yota I am working and I must have just put on to much make up today." "Did you drink today?" "I am not thirst thanks." "But we had a 1200.00 you running around like crazy...you must be dehydrated..." "I am, Ill drink later I wanna finish vacuuming I still have to do bathrooms, it's all ready 11." "I wish I had your will power to not eat..." "Its not will power Iam just not hungry..." "Bull shit Naomi." I don't think I have ever moved so slowly in my entire life.....It took me 40 mins to do Bathrooms. I was the last person to leave the place... I came home went to my room removed my make up to find a new bruise on my face and that my head still hurts my chest kills and I really am having some problems breathing...I know I can make it look like Iam great. "Hey Nome, How was work?" "It was great! Busy night you know. Dawn was nasty as usually...but hey I got 10 bucks tonight." "That great, When do you work again?" "Friday" *smiles* "I love work, Iam going to bed" "you Want On line?" "Yeah okay." Okay so now that I have given a something I have no idea, I just get these little bits of info and them rely them to you...... "Naomi you okay?" "Yes Iam fine, Iam the happiest person on earth." I go to bed and cry my self to sleep not on the out side of course that would be showing emotion....the inside hurts.....I just don't know why. I just don't know any more.....