Pain Carried
Sunday, Feb. 15, 2004, 3:55 P.M. to 5:01

My starvation for you is sin. Your words cut into me. You have no consideration of me. You stay up late into the night, to yell at me. To tell me you don�t care. To tell me no one could love me. To tell me you don�t love me. You stay to kill me. You stay to kill me with words. Your words are that of pain anguish and anger. You stay up into the night to tell me you hate me, and everything about me. You stay up into the dark cold night to hit me, to starve and destroy me. You do things to me, I can�t even do to my self. Your words are that of worse then the razor scars that cut deep into my flesh. Your words are worse then the lack of food and flesh on my thin near to death body. Your words hurt more than the glass that I take in, worse then the drugs, and the Mary-Jane. Your words make me feel, numb, unreal and disgusting. Your words have hardened my heart, emotions and mind. I long for the darkness to be over, for that is when you leave. Your words are that of a heavy clicking of a clock in the long dark night. Your words are painful, your words are real...your words are my words... A girl in the corner, wearing that of that of nothing. Sitting and wondering if her fate is over? Can she even bare, the unwillingness to live. She can over come the power to defend? Can she think of so much more than the pain in her. She is covered in her own blood, from her wrists, and from her tongue. She is covered in her tears. She is covered in her fears. She can't control her feelings, pains and Emotions. She doesn't realize there is help, she don't think they care. She doesn't understand that a girls smile can say so much more. She doesn't know that it can say her pain, and fear. She doesn't know that her smile conveys a slow painful death. Her smile is that of a cold winter night. Its bitter to the end. She doesn't know that her smile signals that she is dead. She will have no happy ending, the fairytale life is gone. Her chance to love is over with, her chance to be loved, is gone as well. She will never get married, or see her children grow. She will never see old age, she will never see her mother cry, she will never see her fathers face. She won't hear her brother say "This is not fair!" She won;t hear her little sister say "Why?" She will never get the chance to drive a car, or ride a bus. She will never get a chance to make new friends, enemies too. She won't see life for what it is. Instead she will only see the pain in her. She will only see the blood gush, and dry. She won't hear her voice, or her own cry for help. She won't see life, for what it is. Now she has to make choice. To up and walk away. To say goodbye to this life, that she has chosen. To say goodbye to those who love, and will be loved. She can say to Hell with it all. And never get over that, that killed her. OR! She can get up brush her self off, and go. She has the chance to say goodbye to that, that broke her heart. Because those that love will help her threw. She gets up brushes her self off. She realizes she still has a voice, and a life, she still has family and friends. She won;t be lonely and never will be alone. She will always have her self....because she cleaned her wrist fixed her dress. Walked away and said "I am better than you! I will not give you the gratification of pain!" A girls smile will tell you her loneliness and her being alone. Her smile will tell you what you desire to know, and so much more. A girls smile is either that of fear, or love. As she gives into her darkness she is pulled out by you. You saved her. You saved her life and made her realize its all over. That person that saved her is her. This girl saved her self.... This is girl is different. This one is happy, laughing and joking. She is full of excitement. Learning and failing, making friends never enemies. This girl is special. She is full of something that others love. She is something, she is going places, she is something you and I never will be. This is the tease, the good flirt, the good slut, the one that is different. She may not put out, she may not even come across desperate. And yet for some reason, every day is new, filled with guys, and girls, all wanting something more. This girl is full of dreams, and memorizes to. Going places for me and you. This is girl is not me, this girl is not you. This is girl is the one inside us all. She is the one we all wish we were. The one we strive to be. The one the learns from her mistakes the first time. The one that does nothing wrong. The on with the letter sweeter and common indulges. This is girl is not you and not me...she is us..... Life is full of sweet nothings. It is filled with dreams and destinies. We never remember the important things. We never remember first kisses, first crushes, and first dreams. We are lead blindly by are selves. We want something more. We want a fairytale that doesn't exits. We want so much more than that is capable.