Capital C For Confusion
Friday, Mar. 12, 2004, 7:07 P.M.
Life is like that, said one wise scholer. Who agrees with reasoning like that, with something so missleading it could make you think life is neaither good nor bad. I feel that when you say a comment such as it's self you need to be aware of such feeligns, thoughts and so such.
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English today was rather interesting. We had to write down a goal we wanted to achive by June, what a silly thing to do in my opinion. But none the less I did this project, that I have little faith in. A goal that I choose and wish to achive is something we all stive to do. Most of us do not succed in such a suffering event untill our "Middel Age" years of events, let alone in a couple of months. And yet this in sightfull, goal is something that could be achived in some form or some degree, or choice. The problem with it is, life is always changing we are allways changing, we are allways growing and learning. How are we to sit down and find our selves, we don't. I set a unrealitic goal, none the less it was apropiate for making me look some what smart and understandable of the things growing around me. My goal that I wrote is as follows....I choose to find my self in the pressent, gain some sort of knowledge for my future, and to find where I fit in the world as we know it. To find out how I can help it, how I make such a difference in it, how I will be remembered, weather I die today, tommore, or 10, 20 years from now. My goal is learn about my self, my family, friends, and co-workers. To gain some sort of knowledge that you have, and to get a peek at the knowledge I will gain. I wish to know the things I like and dislike, I wish to understand codes; dress and lifestyle. I wish to not take part in things I don't like, and stand up fpr things I do. My goal is to be me! The real me. This is something we all stive to be, and belive we are untill we stand back look at our selves and say "WHAT THE *&^%!" This is my goal, this is my impulse, this is what you want to hear, this is what I want to belive. This will not happen, or will it?
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As we lie in our beds and think to our selves, as we look our selves in the mirror and examine every little imperfection, as we observe the way our body is shaped and the way are lips move as we speak. As we do all of this do we ever learn anything? Do we ever do anything to change any of this. Do we ever enjoy any of this? For most of us, no. We don;t change are life style, we claim we are going to, we claim all of these things, but when it comes down to the punch we don't. We do not change anything it seems to be to much work, to much this, to much that. Well then why don't we just save our selves the stress and selv pitty of it, and not do that. Not say anything. Why don't we wake up and say wow I look dame fine today, or wow I am a good person, or anything to this sort. Because if we did, we would be one of thoes girls/boys that we hate, and stive to be anything but! We are imperfect, we are ugly, we are not what we wish to be, we are our wrost and strongest enemie.
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Have you ever considered the great depths you would go to for the one person you love? Or the great depths you would go for your parents, hate them or not. Have you ever considered the great depth you would go to save a frienship. All of these things inculde love to some degree. Some sort of atachment, some form of comitment, some form of something, something undiscriable. This word Love is something that no one understands, and yet all take part in. But the difference in this topic of love is not the love you so commonly seen tosed around like it is a catch phrase. Such as thanks I luv you, or god I luv you. All of these are said jsut becuase someone did something to your benafit, your exknowledgement. But the love you feel for you soul mate (if you will) for your friends, and yes even your parents. Is different isn't it. If it ever came down to the crunch would you be willing to risk you life for these people? Of corse you would because you feel some form or comitment to them, you love them. You want to do everything in your power to keep them from being hurt. Now would you be willing to do that for the classmate or co-worker that saved your butt today because you forgot to do your homework, or you didn't get the new memo? Think about it.
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Okay so Iam in a mood today, I have things to say, I have no idea how to say them. It is really just a jumble of words, as Iam sure Cora has clearly identafied all ready. She will undoubtfully agree with me on that very fact, as I love about her. She will tell me that it was good, a bit confusing but none the less quite enjoyable. My Dad will tell me Iam a freck and I need to get my self together, and stop relying my thoughts to a computer. "Frank" will quite plainly say its "Good". This is my life. (Now Cora don't take any of that thinking I am being mean, I love you dear, and I love how you agree with me for the most part on most issues. It makes life good. Otherwise get to into your self thinking it is good, when it really needs some focuse and proper thought process.) I LUV YOU ALL, HONEST! Tehehehe......^__^
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Okay lets see what else to say, humm? Oh I know. So I talked to my loving Mother this after noon. No that did not go to well. But none the less it was insightfull of how over powing I can sometimes be. For once in my life, I told my Mom the way it is. I did it with respect of corse. But I did it differently today. Normaly I go from daughter to Mother to Adult to Adult and back again. Today I tryed to reason with her and stuck firmly to Adult on Adult, with compasion, which made it Women to Women. In the large sceam of things, she got all pissed off with me and said this crap about how I don't love her, apreciat her and so such. Now I don't quuite understand any of this. For the simple fact that today just today in front of witnesses, I said I missed my mommy and her cokkies. I even varafied this when we first got on the phone. Oh well, she is not talking to me, she thinks I hate her, and is not comming now, just bcause I asked her to leave a few days early (by the way Cora it was from the 24th to the 31st) As I had allreadyd made prior arangements for Cora to come from the oh god...ummm....29 to 31 or something the last Monday of the month to Wed. thats all I know. My Mommy did not understand this, said I hated her and didn;t love her and hung up, oh well. Not my loss. I tryed to reason, she did not. She was not being understanding, I also did it in the most polite way possible. You know something sometimes I swear she is the stupid teen that says all these dumb things that never make sence, the person that will never admite they wrong, and will never give in. Oh well, in the large sceam of things, I love her for all of this. I love her for her morning pancakes, her sugerless cookies, and over packed lunches. I do miss her, I miss her yelling at me to clean my room, and to pick up my books, to clean of the tabel even though it would be faster for her to do it her self. I miss her sending me all the way down staris just to get milk for her. I miss all of this, because this is my mother, this is my mommy, this is my mom. There is no other like her, no one else will be able to take this place. And I hate how she is trying to change her self because of it. But none the less she feels the urge to let her.
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Okay so I let out some anger today, some form of over reacting and what not. But who cares, not me. Maybe you because you read it all, SUCKER! Maybe it is time for a story????
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It starts again, the fighting the anger, the missleading thoughts and words. The anger that ambushes this family, is normal it is like everyother you see on the street. As you look down to left you say fists being rased, and tempers being challenged, you look to the right and you see blood rushing down peoples hands and throughts, you see guns being held to heads.
As yous stand on the street corner you wish you could stop it all. Stop the violence, stop the anger, stop the hurt. But you can not you ar but a inocent by stander.
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OH My GOODNESS, I just can't seem to get into the mood, oh well some other time. Later peps, luv yeah....