This is not discouvery, but un-realization
Wednesday, Mar. 03, 2004, 8:02 P.M.

Okay, so I am back. Only for the simple reason of I have things to say and I have no one to say them to. My Dad is here of corse but needless to say, I need to become less relighnt on the guy. I mean I tell him everything. Even though he is my Father, he doesn;t need to know about "love life" (or lack there of) He doesn't need to know how I feel around people in such great detail. And I hate to say this. But I don't think it is Calgary so much that has changed me as much as living with two grown men both in Middel age area, and not doing any thing else. The fact that I would rather go to lunch with my Father, to discuse the great wonders of world, and how love F*cks you up, then going to hang with some poeple my own age, is just messed up. I don't know if I really realized this all till the last week. I mean Father for the last month has clearly stated all of this. By saying I need to hang with my own age. Allthough all I thought was he was trying to get ride of me. But I was sitting in English (waiting for the dumb teacher) And I was reading *shivers* teen chick mags. So not cool! Oh well, there was no surpirse a test. On how tight you are with your parents. There was two one for your Mother and one for your Father. I honestly have to agree with the results from it. It said I need to devolpe a stonger reltionship with my mom. She is someone I can trust, and most likly going to be someone I get along with better, she will be able to relate to me, seeing as we are both females. She will understand an emotional part of me that I got tired of showing cause my Father doesn't understand it. He doesn't think with emotion he thinks with logic. And now that I live with him like I do, I have started slowly but surly to stop thinking with Emotional as well. (Yes I think so Cora)

I gave up on somehting because it didn't make sence. Because when managed to creat a math equation to find out if it work. To inculed all of the varibles and see the out put of it. Now because it was one sided, I only mangaged to get a .9%. Which lead to a great thinking and and great realization that it is over. So I gave up. No I am usualy not someone to give up, a sign of weekness, that I will not take part in. but needless to say I did. And for someone reason that person did not agree with me. I am not used to that as well. I usualy get my way, with things like that. Mainly because I have so many reasons and logic behind the hole thing, no one dares to challenge me. Maybe I need to be challenged more? Humm I don't know. But to make a strong point unknown. Iam confused, but I have come to realize that when dealing with the heart, you need to leave logic behind and think with your emotion. Logic doesn;t get you very far, you get afried, and when you think with emotion it blindly leads you to tradgity. What to choose, I choose emotion, every one else does and there life is simply what it is ment to be. As will be mine. I will stop brining up the same topic, I will stop thinking negativly and I will stop being to friging square!

So I spent the night at a friends. Didn't work to cool. (I pitty you now Cora, hanging with me for three days stright, not cool, thank god school and what not, well down drain the manotiny) On well. Yeah it didn;t work out. I was feeling everthing possible had all ready been couvered. I felt that there was nothing left to discuse. Are out look on life was very different. All I think about is, work, school, work. How can I benift from working. She thought hey lets fo have fun yeah! Rock on! I was like if I do that it will not benafit me in the long run, it will slow me down in the maturity needed to become the person I NEED TO BE.If I do that, I will not be mature in a matter of substance. And then I realized something today. This person was being what Iam at school. And yet for some reason I could not over come the over powing emotion towards being mature about everything. anyalizing everything and so forth. Then I realized I eaither need to re inturdece my self to school poeple or out side poeple Iam yet to decide.

It feels as though, I enter the big blue doors. To go from this I am going to go places, do things, and Iam to good for any of this, to WOW! Look at that! that looks like fun. Come on lets go running down the halls. Woo WOO! Oh well I had a better way of saying this maybe some other time. I have a wonderfull story in my mind, that is now vanished......

Well this was reather long, Iam gonna stop now.