Something Different
Wednesday, Feb. 18, 2004, 9:24 P.M. To 9:49

Hey Yeah ALL! How goes it? Well it goes good here. I did things tonight that I don't normaly do. Or I do, do them, I just don;t think I do. Or whatever....

So tonight, I took a bubble bath *giggels* Turn off the lights, lighted some candels, played some classicale music. Quite enjoyed my self. It was rather nice to do something for me. Something different for my self. Something so selfish, something so special that only the person doing it can truly enjoy it. I wrote in my new favorite note pad. I earesed my past. I rememoved my colouring on my arm. I decied that life isn't that bad. And that I can still be deep and be happy at the sametimem, all in moderation.

So I read my grandmothers teen age Diary tonight while I was in my nice warm bath. And you know its funny. She seems just as confussed as I am when she was my age. Sept she found something that I have not. She found true love at 16. Married that perfact sweet heart. And thought it would all be perfact. But I look at her now...and its not! Its awfull! After 66 years of marrige they are going their different ways....who would have thought.....

As My Granny Said....

May 23rd

Today was special. Today was something I never felt before. Al told me something I never thought I would hear from him, in all my years. He said the three simple words that will eaither make your heart skip or just run in fear. He said he loved me. I just looked at him, and said thats nice dear. I never realized what he said. I jsut exknowlged it. I didn;t hear it. I never really understood. But then it hit me! I looked at him, I wanted to cry, I wanted to run away. All I wanted to do was not be there. He's moving to fast. I never thought I would say this but Iam not ready. I had nothing to say back. All I said was but only a few months ago you started saying you miss me, and now you love me? Are you sure? Arn't you moving kind of fast? I realized then and only then that this was not the man for me. And yet for some strang reason I know I will marrie him, bare his children, rais then, have dinner on the tabel by five, and then clean. We will never see each other, between his golf, and men clubs, and my sweing club, and children.

I have two more things to say before I go off to bed. When I have his daughter Iam going to tell her one thing. Don't fall for the first guy that puts a ring on your figure, don't go for the first guy that says I miss you, or thought about your today, don't go for that guy. Play them all. Line them all up in a row and the one that inpresses you the most, will get you. You are a prize, they are not.

And now a question to send out to you, What is Love? Maybe in my daughters generation she will know....because I most deffintly do not.

Oh My Goodness. I have never been so moved by something. I have read that entry more times then one. And never really thought of it as something more than my Grandmother being silly. But now I understand. I understand that love is confusing, and even if I do feel I understand it, its something that no one ever really will have a full understanding of it. Because love is always changing. And for that I will agree with her. Now the part about choosing your guy sure thats wonderful and all, but who really has guys lined up waiting to date you? Who really gets to choose the guy that impresses her the most. I think you choose your mate of corse, but I don't know I think she went a little off the deepend, don't you?

And now for something new.....

Theres this new girl. This one is really happy. This is the one that doesn't sit in the back of the room, or the front , or even in the middel. She sits where she please. Because she is able to make that desion. No one has to make it for her. No one has to choose. No one can tell her. No one can influense her.

As she sits in the cafateria she notices all the people around her. The goth, the preep, the junkies, the take advatage of me, the ones that are at school for fun, the ones that don't belong, the Iam doing home work, the Iam going places, Iam becoming a lawyer a doctore, she notices the happy, sad, misslead, the ones that don't know where the hell they are, they just stand around and pretend that they know.

She sits in a corner and enjoys watching, learning and being able to reconize all these different kinds of people. She looks down at her self, and wonders "what do poeple think I am?" Does it matter? Do they care? Do they even notice this girl that sit in the corner blending into the wall, and enjoys that? It doesn;t matter. Cause Iam me! I may not have pink, orange or black hair. I may not have a tattoo I may not have cutts on my arms. I may not have a boy friend, I may not belong at all. But Iam me! And what ever that is, will change depending upon who looks at me.

Yes this girl is happy with her self. How many can say they are? Can you? Can I?

I saw this girl today, I saw this student siting and observing, I saw this girl, that new where she belonged, I saw this girl that new what she wanted. This girl was all of us! She is a mix of us all. No matter what you say, you do feel you belong some where. And sometimes you are happy with the way others look at you.

Well in any case I have no idea what this entry is, its me talking, jsut talking, not going in any direction, me not saying any thing importan. Iam not talking of the girl that chooses to kill her self, or that girl that doesn;t know where she belongs...nope Iam talking about something different...