Sometimes She Cries
Tuesday, Feb. 17, 2004, 5:29 P.M.

So today was quite the day at school. Between coming back from the long weekend, and me trying to explain that Barbie no matter how dumb she may be she was a wonderful example of create marking abilities. Well weather you agree or bag to differ, I have strong feelings that Barbie by Mattel was a wonderful marking opportunity. So I arrived to school rather early today...no surprise there. But instead of sitting with the usual cafeteria junkies I moved one I decided to sit on my own and see what would happen. Well needless to say for once nothing happened. It was rather entertaining, and yet quite delightful. I was able to write my thoughts down on paper with out the usual distractions. I was able to think and open up. It was wonderful...why didn't I do this before? So during my morning of pondering thinking exploring. I talked to a girl today. Her name will remain un said....cause I am nice. So any way as I speak to this girl. I notice something different about her. It wasn't;t that she looked funny. Or that she had deep un explainable problems. Or that she might be abused. No instead she was happy with her self. She was grading this year. And she was happy about it. She was happy that she got accepted into Devry Collage/University (I dunno what) She was so happy that she got that letter in the mail yesterday. And I was happy for her. She was able to be happy with something so simple. I would never consider going there for reason. For selfish reasons. And yet this girl was thrilled. She was happy about making 40, 000 a year. She was happy to be getting this far in life. She appreciated it. It made me realize there is more to life then the 75, 000 a year. The 10 years more of schooling. The The The The....the material things. I don;t need em. If this girl was happy with 2 years of schooling 40, 000 a year. Why can;t I? Why do I need more? Why do I desire more? Why? Why? Why? I know why...my parents brought me up that way. Not to make to much money no the media has done that. But to work and do what I love. Therefor I made my self believe that I want to work 80 hrs a week, being mean, being the person every one hates. To do those things. Well you inspired me! You made me rethink it all. Because now maybe I will be happy with 40 000 a year, and 2 years of schooling, and only working 40 hrs a week...... So I desired the undesirable today. I desired you. I thought of you. I wanted you. I missed you. I did something and it made me realize, hey that might happen to me someday, because of you....Iam gonna miss you...... She sits in her room, waiting, just waiting. Waiting for the same thing that happens every night. And there is nothing she can do about it. She cries but no one hears. She screams no one cares. She pulls her knees up to her chest to protect her self. But as usually it doesn't;t work. Its forced. Its un controlled. And then its over. It is all gone until the next time it happens. She cries again, but no one hears. She screams again but no one cares. She dozen understand. Don't they love her? Her mother is in the living room watching T.V. But the volume just gets turned up. Her brother in the room next to hers, just jacks the volume to his stereo. Even her dog does nothing. Her screams get louder and louder, crying for help, crying for her family. All they need to do is walk in and everything will be okay. But they don't. They walk by and pretend that nothing is happening. She is being attacked..... Some years later...... She is the heed cheerleader, part of the chees club, debate team, speech and so such. She has the leading role in the school play, again. Shes on the band... She is everything every girl wants to be. She is gorges, smart, flamboyant, got lots of friends, at all the rad parties, got all the guys after her. The one things wrong with her...she won;t let people in, she blocks her emotions, people don't dare enter her bubble. People don't dare question why she is the way she is. Shes perfect. She goes home, everything is as normal. Her mother is drunk and watching T.V. her brother out, her sister in law is high and pregnet again.The dog hasn't been let out, the cat is in a cage, and the baby is crying. The small cramped trailer is a mess. There is food on the floor, dishes on the counter, shit and piss every were from the stupid dog. Her mother has gotten sick all over the her self. But she puts her self aside. Takes of her shoes hangs her coat and puts her bags were they belong. She changes into some cleaning clothes and sets to her dail routine. Starting with the baby...she spends time...straps her onto her back. "You can help, I will need it today." she says to the infant. She feeds the dog, dinners left overs, and lets him. She removes the cat from the small cramped cage. To free her out side. She then sets to the real work of the day, were to start... Her mother screams "Wheres Dinner!?!" "Its coming mum"....yet again she is able to feed the family, clean the house so that at least there isn't;t disgusting things on the floor. cleans the kitchen. And goes to her room. She knows she only has a few hours until all her freedom is over. The man is soon to return. She grabs the first sharp object she sees starts to stab it into her wrist, but then the baby cries, and she realizes, that would be selfish to do. Who is going to look after you? Who is going to look after Mum? Who is going to look after the animals? Who is going to please the terrible creature that lives here? She can't bare her self to this to them. They need her. She may not need her self, but they need her. Nightfalls, and he comes storming in. Dragging in the mud with him. He is drunk no surprise. He mean and cruel. She lies there and realize back to routine the fun is over.... She sits in her room, waiting, just waiting. Waiting for the same thing that happens every night. And there is nothing she can do about it. She cries but no one hears. She screams no one cares. She pulls her knees up to her chest to protect her self. But as usually it doesn't;t work. Its forced. Its un controlled. And then its over. It is all gone until the next time it happens. She cries again, but no one hears. She screams again but no one cares. She doesn't understand. Don't they love her? Her mother is in the living room watching T.V. But the volume just gets turned up. Her brother in the room next to hers, just jacks the volume to his stereo. Even her dog does nothing. Her screams get louder and louder, crying for help, crying for her family. All they need to do is walk in and everything will be okay. But they don't. They walk by and pretend that nothing is happening. She is being attacked..... Back at school. Its the same routine...she again can't open up, she again can not be loved, and again can't make practice. She has things to do. She can't leave the baby. Who knows what they have done to the poor animals today.... She looses everything as quickly as she got. The producer of the show says your out, you have been cut from the squad due to lack of practice, she is out of chees no money for that or debate or speech. Her life is over. There is nothing left. As she walks home from school on this sad day, she cries. She cries for once.... As she crosses the street she gets hit...hit by her intruder, he invader of space, her rapist is also her murder in mind, soul, and now body.....